Thursday, May 1, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza 7

I'm fresh from reading the slush in Pitch Slam! Maybe it's given me new ideas. We'll see.

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen in a week or two. Or if you can't wait, I have an editing service. Contact me through the twitter or the contact form on this blog. Query critiques are on sale for $20, payable through paypal, and include two revisions. 

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.

Now to the fine print:

All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:



Bred to strike hard and fast, Lysander belongs to an elite guild of assassins known as The Shadows. When their latest mission goes awry, he’s betrayed by his own and left for dead. From the depths of oblivion, Lysander awakens to a ravishing angel caressing him in the most intimate of places…and to find he’s crippled and immobile. With the police hunting The Shadows, he’s trapped with no choice but to claim he has no recollection of who he is.

Spirited country miss Lady Olivia Woodward is mortified when she’s caught stroking him down there. In her defense, she was bathing him. The enigmatic hero saved her father from a harrowing assassination attempt; the least she could do is nurse him back to health. But the man defies all rules of convalescence. He’s arrogant. Exasperating. Infuriating. And gorgeous as sin. Attraction sizzles as tempers fly, clashes of ire caving to torrid, delirious pleasure.

Drawn by her tender compassion, Lysander knows every kiss is stolen, every touch forbidden. His past will resurface, and when it does, it will destroy Olivia’s trust...for he was sent to kill her father, not save him. As the police close in on unraveling his identity, The Shadows lurk in the darkness, reminding Lysander to finish his task. But they’re not the only ones after Olivia’s father. A deranged madman is on the loose and will stop at nothing to annihilate Olivia’s entire family. With the clock ticking down, Lysander must choose. His loyalty torn, will he betray his brethren and risk everything for Olivia? Or will he stand by his allegiance, and lose the only woman he’s ever loved?


With my crazy comments:


Bred to strike hard and fast, Lysander belongs to an elite guild of assassins known as The Shadows.(Solid. Nothing bad or great here, except I've seen a lot of assassins in the slush lately. Doesn't stand out.) When their latest mission goes awry, he’s betrayed by his own and left for dead.(Same here.) From the depths of oblivion(cut this? You need one sentence with a straight start and this adds nothing.), Lysander awakens to a ravishing angel caressing him in the most intimate of places(Ok-ay. That made me smile. It's very specific.)…and to find he’s crippled and immobile(Zap! Here's something different. This would make a hook to lead with. From assassin to cripple, Lysander's lost in blanky blank. Lysander was once an assassin, now he's a cripple on the lamb. Or something much better than those attempts.). With the police hunting The Shadows, he’s trapped with no choice but to claim he has no recollection of who he is(to claim memory loss and hide his identity).

Spirited country miss(I think you need hyphens there. Spirited-country-miss) Lady Olivia Woodward is mortified when she’s caught stroking(She seems too proper for 'stroking.' Heaven forbid. Maybe 'touching'? On another level, is she mortified she was stroking or caught stroking?  Ignore me. I digress. ) him down there. In her defense, she was bathing him. The enigmatic hero saved her father from a harrowing assassination attempt; the least she could do is nurse the arrogant and infuriating man him back to health. (But the man defies all rules of convalescence. He’s arrogant. Exasperating. Infuriating. And gorgeous as sin. Attraction sizzles as tempers fly, clashes of ire caving to torrid, delirious pleasure. You've gone too deep into character. This is too much in other words. Give us the gist and leave off the extra. The direction is pretty clear.) And what does 'saved' dad think of this stroking? :-) I can't help imagining he's not pleased. Digressing again, sorry.

Drawn by her tender compassion(Too flowery. Plus simple sentences are your friend in a query. They are more direct and powerful.), Lysander knows every kiss is stolen, every touch forbidden. His past will resurface, and when it does, it will destroy Olivia’s trust...for he was sent to kill her father, not save him. As the police close in on unraveling his identity, The Shadows lurk in the darkness, reminding Lysander to finish his task. But they’re not the only ones after Olivia’s father. A deranged madman is on the loose and will stop at nothing to annihilate Olivia’s entire family(This is probably one too many tidbits of information. It doesn't reoccur so maybe cut.). With the clock ticking down(Generic. Cliche.), Lysander must choose.(Shorten. I'd cut everything after 'not save him' and use one sentence. With the police and his old comrades closing in, Lysander must choose whether to return to his brethren or keep the only woman he's ever loved.) His loyalty torn, will he betray his brethren and risk everything for Olivia? Or will he stand by his allegiance, and lose the only woman he’s ever loved? (Questions are almost always bad in a query. For one thing, they open the door for the agent to say 'who cares' or some other undesirable answer.) What happened to him being crippled? Lame? Something? Gotta keep that in the ending--it's a main theme.

The writer mentioned this is a historical romance in her email. Besides the "Lady" and the bashfulness I'm not seeing anything historical in this query. The writing has a feel of Austin and the Napoleonic Wars but that's inconclusive.  There's nothing to set what time period we're set in. Lysander is an ancient Greek name and Olivia (it means Elf Army. How awesome is that!) is English. Not much help there.

We've got voice in this query. Trim it down. Add some historical features. Don't forget the cripple part at the ending (even if Lysander's better). Then you'll be well on your way.

6 comments:

  1. I enjoyed this query, but there are few things missing that could really ground the reader. I agree with Michelle that we need some clarification of time period and setting. For a second I thought maybe it was a fantasy or paranormal with The Shadows and references to angels. And the fact that he's crippled needs to be revealed sooner. Such a great detail that I think really sets this story apart! Also, some of the language Lysander uses is too feminine for an assassin. Ravishing and tender compassion are a few examples. The query seems a bit long, but the flow is excellence. Your voice is right there in every sentence, so when you're trimming, be sure not to cut all that out (I know I have this issue). This is a really great start. With a little tweaking it will really shine! Good luck with this query!

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  2. Bred to strike hard and fast, Lysander belongs to an elite guild of assassins known as The Shadows. [I like this hook. Shows that the character is likely to be strong and confident.] When their latest mission goes awry, he’s betrayed by his own and left for dead. [I'm wondering, though, if this sentence is a little vague. Part of me wants to know how the mission goes awry and by whom he's betrayed.] From the depths of oblivion, Lysander awakens to a ravishing angel caressing him in the most intimate of places…and to find he’s crippled and immobile. With the police hunting The Shadows, he’s trapped with no choice but to claim he has no recollection of who he is. [Interesting.]

    Spirited country miss Lady Olivia Woodward is mortified when she’s caught stroking him down there. In her defense, she was bathing him. [It took me a minute to realise that the 'angel' mentioned above is not a literal wings-and-all angel. Also, I don't like the sudden character-change here, as I'd expect it for contemp. romance, but this doesn't strike me romance in the main genre, more thriller/adventure.] The enigmatic hero saved her father from a harrowing assassination attempt; the least she could do is nurse him back to health. But the man defies all rules of convalescence. He’s arrogant. Exasperating. Infuriating. And gorgeous as sin. Attraction sizzles as tempers fly, clashes of ire caving to torrid, delirious pleasure. [I love the voice and word-choices here. I guess, however, that if cutting was needed, you could cut some here.]

    Drawn by her tender compassion, Lysander knows every kiss is stolen, every touch forbidden. His past will resurface, and when it does, it will destroy Olivia’s trust...for he was sent to kill her father, not save him. As the police close in on unraveling his identity, The Shadows lurk in the darkness, reminding Lysander to finish his task. But they’re not the only ones after Olivia’s father. A deranged madman is on the loose and will stop at nothing to annihilate Olivia’s entire family. [Hmm, I'm not sure if adding this is necessary. I think the stakes are high enough with the risk of love being found out, The Shadows' threats to Lysander and the internal conflict.] With the clock ticking down, Lysander must choose. His loyalty torn, will he betray his brethren and risk everything for Olivia? Or will he stand by his allegiance, and lose the only woman he’s ever loved? [Questions! Agents don't like questions in queries.]

    Interesting premise. The conflict is great. I think the first two paragraphs are nice and tight, but the third could be shortened. I'm not sure if this is on the long side of queries (I've heard varying opinions, as always). Could you bring in the 'sent to kill her father, not save him' sooner? I questioned why their relationship is 'forbidden' until I read the following sentence.

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  3. I try to comment without reading Michelle's an other people's comments first, so there might be some repetition.
    The first thing that confused me was the "ravishing angel": I don't know where I am and what kind of story this is, so I assume this is a real angel until I get to the second paragraph.
    In the second paragraph, the sentence "In her defense..." doesn't work for me. Maybe "even though she was only bathing him" instead?
    The last sentence of the second paragraph ("Attraction sizzles...") tells things that should be shown. Why? How? I'm sorry I can't come up with any concrete examples.
    In the third paragraph, you go into the stakes, but there are suddenly so many I'm confused again. The police, The Shadows, Olivia finding out he was meant to kill her father, not to save him, that's already a lot of stuff going on. And then you add the deranged madman. It seems just one too many.
    Finally, it would have been nice to know the genre and age group. Is this YA or adult?
    Hope any of this helps. Good luck!

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  4. Sorry guys! I should have included the line “…adult historical romance set in early Victorian England.” Here’s an update based on your comments (still trying to figure out a way to bring up the “crippled” part first):

    Bred to strike hard and fast, Lysander belongs to an elite guild of assassins known as The Shadows. When his latest mission goes awry, Lysander awakens to an angel caressing him in the most intimate of places…and to find he’s crippled and immobile. With the police hunting The Shadows, he’s trapped with no choice but to claim amnesia.

    Spirited country miss Lady Olivia Woodward is mortified when she’s caught stroking him down there. In her defense, she was bathing him. With her father’s recent inheritance of an earldom, Olivia is thrust into the haut ton, fending off fortune hunters and scheming matrons. So when the enigmatic hero saves her father from a harrowing assassination attempt, she seizes the chance to nurse him back to health. It’s a good excuse as any to ditch her insufferable deportment lessons. She didn’t count on the man being so arrogant and infuriating. Or so devilishly attractive.

    He’s no hero. Lysander knows every kiss is stolen, every touch forbidden. His past will resurface, and when it does, it will destroy Olivia’s trust...for he was sent to kill her father, not save him. With his deadline looming, Lysander is torn. Torn between duty to his brethren and risking everything for the only woman he’s ever loved.

    Thanks for everyone’s input!

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    Replies
    1. First paragraph: I agree with Michelle, you need to give us a hook about what's different in your novel. There's no hook, not really, at least. Just a first paragraph.

      It is a little confusing what an angel caressing him is...though that does depend on who is reading it. I wasn't sure until later that the angel was no angel. Maybe a bit more description of his injuries? Crippled to seems to make out that he's crippled for life? Or does he just have a debilitating slice on his leg or something?

      Second paragraph: Maybe a 'but' before the last line.

      Third paragraph: This is a sudden switch back to Lysander's point of view. I'm not really sure how that all work in queries, though. Thankfully...I've never had to do it.

      Overall, pretty good. I agree with pretty much everything Michelle and the others said.

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  5. Although it's definitely not my genre, I can easily imagine people reading this. The revised paragraph above is a really great premise. It's visceral. Maybe a hint of one of the other personalities in his commando team would add to the drama, not that it really needs more drama.

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