Monday, May 19, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #11

This is actually the last of the Spring Query Extravaganza. Bye-Bye Pink. Look for Summer in July.  If you'd like to polish your query, I have an editing service. Contact me through the twitter or the contact form on this blog. Query critiques are on sale for $20, payable through PayPal, and include two revisions. 

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.

Now to the fine print:


All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.


As sent to me:


(This is a WIP.)

Dear Agent Dreammaker, 

Wilted flowers, a blood stain, and the remnants of police tape mark the place where seventeen-year-old Allison Stone was brutally attacked twelve days earlier.  Barely able to walk due to the damage done by a gang rape, she returns to school where it all happened determined to get her life back.  Supported by her best friends, Allison must survive court, school, and the dark recesses of her own mind. Skittish, but determined, she fights for each step on her long road from victim to survivor. 

Wounds Heal, Scars Remain is *** insert final word count here *** Young Adult Contemporary novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. 

Stuff about me...blah, blah, publishing credit, blah.

Contact information.... 

Material as requested in submission guidelines sent in the body if the email....

With my crazy comments:

Dear Agent Dreammaker, Queries are business letters so use a colon. Commas are for friendly letters. Queries my be friendly, but you want to be professional. 

Wilted flowers, a blood stain, and the(could cut 'the') remnants of police tape mark the place where seventeen-year-old Allison Stone was brutally attacked twelve days earlier. Nice.  Barely able to walk due to the damage of thedone by a gang rape, she returns to school where it all happened, determined to get her life back. That's one brave girl. 


Seems like this part should be near the end for a sinker line. What you're missing is a middle of this query. Was this a random crime? Did they target her for a reason? How does she feel about getting justice? Does she have a boyfriend? Is she having nightmares? Details of her mental state? These are some of the things you could flesh the middle of the query with. Supported by her best friends, Allison must survive court, school, and the dark recesses of her own mind. Allison's skittish, but determined as she fights for each step on her long road from victim to survivor. First thing I notice is that most of these sentences start with phrases. Get some more direct starting sentence in here. 

Wounds Heal, Scars Remain (Title in all caps.) is *** insert final word count here *** Young Adult Contemporary novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. 

Stuff about me...blah, blah, publishing credit, blah. Blah blah stuff about critiquing bio.

Contact information.... Important stuff. ;-)

Material as requested in submission guidelines sent in the body if the email.... Wouldn't want to forget that. 



What this query still needs is more about Allison. Fill out her personality by how she reacts. How is she handling this? Does she want justice? Does she have a clue who did it? What specific thing (yoga, mediation, volunteering, speaking to others) does she do to heal her soul?

2 comments:

  1. I agree with Michelle, there is something missing in the query.
    A scary subject, and I admit I wouldn't read it because it would give me nightmares. But you have a very nice opening there. What I'd be wondering is, beyond trying to heal, does Allison want revenge? And given she is so fragile as he returns to school, would she expose herself to more violence by her aggressors who'd want to keep her silent?
    Not sure how helpful this is, sorry. As I said, not my kind of subject.
    It's a very difficult subject to handle.
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The first thing that stands out to me is that the focus here is on her surviving things. While tough (no denying that, this is tough subject matter), simply surviving is a passive goal. What does she do to survive? What does she want? How will she get (or not get) what she wants? Give us an active goal combined with the tone you've already established here and this will flesh out quickly. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete