Thursday, May 8, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #9

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.

Now to the fine print:

All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:


I am seeking representation for my 94,000 word romantic suspense KNOW WHEN TO RUN.

She thought he was locked away. But a United States Penitentiary isn’t enough to stop the past. And it wants her back…

Cadence Samuels lives life by facts and logic, a trait that won’t win her any popularity contests but fits perfectly with her position as a profiler on the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit. Sent to the city hiding the secrets of her past, she’s asked to profile the poisoning deaths of two marathon runners. But she’ll need more than her 162 I.Q. to work with long, lean, gorgeous trainer, Nolan Cross. She’ll have to set the tangible aside and learn to rely on her instincts. Even if he’s not the killer, he’s definitely a danger to her self-control.

Quick feet and infallible instincts have brought marathon trainer Nolan Cross’ career to the cusp of big league territory. Until a serial killer poisons two of his clients during the very races he’s trained them for. Not only is he the killer’s ultimate target, he’s at the top of the FBI suspect list. To prove his innocence and save his life, he’ll need to bring the real killer to justice, and that requires answers—not the psycho-babble theories of socially awkward, Cadence Samuels. He sure as hell doesn’t need the fire her intellect and sultry voice ignite in his blood. He has his innocence to prove, she has a job to do, and neither can afford to give in to the sexual tension that sizzles between them.

This could be the high-profile case of Cadence’s career, but with each runner down, another enemy steps from the shadows. Forces other than her ambition are pulling strings, and if she and Nolan can’t catch the killer soon, it might be too late to run for their lives.


KNOW WHEN TO RUN can stand alone or be the first in a series. I’m an active member of two local RWA chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration.

With my crazy comments:

I am seeking representation for my 94,000 word romantic suspense KNOW WHEN TO RUN. Maybe a touch high on the word count, which means you need to make sure the query doesn't brim with unneeded words.

She thought he was locked away. But a United States Penitentiary isn’t enough to stop the past. And it wants her back…This is more like a back cover blurb. The italics made me think it was a quote from the manuscript, and quotes are big no-nos. The problem is it isn't specific enough. It doesn't give a name to your MC. We don't know why 'the past' wants her back or even what the problem with the past is. My guess, and this is totally a guess, is this won't help your query.  

Cadence Samuels lives life by facts and logic, a trait that won’t win her any popularity contests but fits perfectly with her position as a FBI Behavioral Science profiler on the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit.(This is what I meant about wordy.) Sent to the city hiding the secrets of her past(Wouldn't hometown be shorter or maybe old home ground. We would assume she has a past there. Otherwise this is confusing. Sent to her hometown), she’s asked to profile the poisoning deaths of two marathon runners. But she’ll need more than her 162 I.Q. to work with long, lean, gorgeous trainer, Nolan Cross(First off, why is she 'work'ing with a trainer? Especially if he's a suspect. Second, flaunting her smarts might turn people off. It somehow comes across as bragging.) Her high I.Q. won't help her tease out the secrets of gorgeous trainer and suspect, Nolan Cross. . She’ll have to set the tangible aside and learn to rely on her instincts. Even if he’s not the killer, he’s definitely a danger to her self-control. If 'ly words don't add a fresh meaning, cut them.

Quick feet and infallible instincts have brought marathon trainer Nolan Cross’ career to the cusp of big league territory(Nice use of specific words to add voice). Until a serial killer poisons two of his clients during the very races he’s trained them for their first race.(You don't have to be 100% accurate in a query if there's a shorter way to give the same impression.) Not only is he the killer’s ultimate a prime target(How would he know this? And again it feels like bragging to say 'ultimate.'), he’s at the top of the FBI suspect list. To prove his innocence and save his life(Understood from the last sentence.To bring the real killer to justice, he'll need answers--not the psycho...), he’ll need to bring the real killer to justice, and that requires answers—not the psycho-babble theories of socially awkward, Cadence Samuels. (He sure as hell doesn’t need the fire her intellect and sultry voice ignite in his blood. He has his innocence to prove, she has a job to do, and neither can afford to give in to the sexual tension that sizzles between them. I'd cut one of these two sentences as they pretty much say the same thing. Plus the second sentence is a recap. And you should really keep the paragraph to Nolan's motivation/goals and not let Cadence creep in. This is his paragraph.)

This could be the high-profile case of Cadence’s career and make or break Nolan, but with each runner down(Down is not giving me a good picture, even though it's a runner term. each runner murdered), another enemy steps from the shadows(I'd consider using a specific example here of these enemies appearing. This should be the paragraph about the both of them. Keep it about both.). Forces other than her their ambition are pulling strings, and if she and Nolan they can’t catch the killer soon, it might be too late to run for their lives.

The big problem I'm having here is that the author made a big deal about Cadence's past. Even using the back cover blurb about 'the past.' But there's no sign of her past in the rest of the query. Did she know Nolan before? What happened to her past being a big factor? Nor is there anything about the Penitentiary. Consistency in a query is important. If you mention a theme, you need to carry through with that theme.


KNOW WHEN TO RUN can stand alone or be the first in a series. I’m an active member of two local RWA chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration. Nice and concise. 


Keep the theme consistent. Cut down extra words. Be more specific about the enemies. Keep that nice voice!

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Reposting this from my writing account: Michelle did a great job on the line editing, so I'll examine it conceptually. Of course, the first thing I thought of was what happened a year ago in Boston. Maybe in a few years this real life tragedy wouldn't loom over your plot, but right now it does. Also, if he's a suspect wouldn't he want FBI personnel to like him? I'm also wondering who is in prison--is it Nolan? Like Michelle, this may be too much of a giveaway to events later in the plot.

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  3. Thank you so much for the feedback, Michelle and Eric! The comments are spot on and so helpful.

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  4. I'm not very comfortable with romantic novels, but I'll give it a try.
    The hook confuses me more than that it entices or well, hooks me. Even more confusing after I've read the rest. Who is in prison?
    What I'm most curious about after reading your query is how you tell the story. I know that doesn't come into a query but seeing how the query is presented, I'm wondering if you switch POV between the two MCs?
    If that's not the case, maybe make it a bit clearer whose POV carries the story?
    And I agree with Eric on the Boston marathon. First thing I thought of when I read "marathon runners".
    Not sure how helpful this is. Sorry.
    Good luck!
    Mayken

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